Maybe you’re like me and you think that old cars are the best cars. So what if they drink like chimneys, smoke like fish, and have caused you to almost crash into not one but two of your own vehicles (true story)? They’re comfortable and they feel good to drive because of all their old-timey goodness.
New cars, with their electric power steering and their digital nannies, just don’t involve you in the drive like old cars do. It’s the rallying cry of a certain type of car lover and while it may survive because of its broad similarities to actual life, it is, of course, bunk.
New cars and old cars are different, but I know, deep down, that neither can be said to be better. It just depends on what you need and want. Sure, new cars give things up in their pursuit of power, practicality, and safety, but those are all worthy pursuits indeed. No car is as indicative of the motor industry than the Audi S5 Sportback and no car is a better standard-bearer for the modern car than the S5.
Marlee and Me
As a four-door version of a two-door version of a four-door car, the S5 Sportback is part of a newly minted brand of lengthened not-quite-coupes that shows just how modern tastes are changing. Rather than having to climb over bucket seats, people want coupes with four doors. Why give up on practicality when you can have a slightly awkward cross-breed? But as with dogs, sometimes giving up on pure breeding ends up in a healthier animal.
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I freely admit that in pictures, my own included, the Sportback looks awkward. I swear I tried for hours to get a picture of this car that doesn’t make the ass-end look bulbous and odd like Sidney Crosby wearing a suit, but I just couldn’t. The reality is, though, that when you’re confronted by one of these cars in real life, it looks really good (I’ve never met Crosby, but I’m sure the same goes for him). Rather than looking bulbous, the rear end rakes handsomely. Something about the proportions is distorted by the lens that just doesn’t distort in the retina. In my opinion, much as it pains me to say, the Sportback actually looks better than the coupe version.
And the advantages are many. First, if you have any passengers over the age of six, asking them to crawl over a modern bucket seat is asking them to commit an indignity on par with asking the waiter at a Michelin-star restaurant to grab you a bottle of ketchup. So having doors with which to welcome them will make you a more popular and adored person. Next, if you don’t have any passengers, you can lower the back seats, which turns this car into a cavernous carry-all. Even with the seats up, though, it’s more than large enough to hold the hood of a 1971 Ski-Doo T’NT, with windshield. I don’t know why Audi decided to design the S5 Sportback’s trunk to be just the right size to fit random parts of a Canadian snowmobile from a few decades ago, but it sure was helpful to me.
Of course, if you’re buying the S5, you’ll probably be more concerned with performance than with practicality, and that’s where this car really impressed me. It’s good. And not just good in the modern sense, where you can torque corners straight and whisk down the highway at a million miles per hour in great boredom, it’s also good when you’re just noodling around town, doing the kinds of things that won’t make a police officer take the scissors to your license.
The E Revolution
Steering is electric. I admit it. And to a certain subset of readers that will be the first and last nail in this car’s coffin, but to you I say, quit being so tedious. There’s a popular view among cinephiles that computer graphics (or CG more specifically) led to the death of wholesome and good practical special effects, and by extension ruined movies. The people who make the movies that we all love, though, will often argue that what we really hate isn’t CG, it’s badly done CG. When a character goes from real person to rag-dolling cartoon, it’s obvious that there’s a problem, but when it’s done properly, you’d never know that a computer had been involved and the whole production saves money and all the key grips and best boys can eat better snacks at the craft services table. The same holds for electric steering, I would argue. What you hate isn’t electric steering, it’s poorly implemented electric steering.
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The Audi’s wheel isn’t perfect. That much is sure. But it is good. You don’t get much feedback from through your hands — or any really — but what you do get is lightning fast steering that’s seamlessly light around town and just heavy enough through a fast corner. The result is that every corner, even the slow ones in the city center, are a little bit… well, electric.
And steering isn’t just made fun through the wheel, the throttle pedal adds to it, too. Accelerating onto a country highway, you’re up to the speed limit and well past it in no time at all (0-60 mph in just 4.7 seconds). But it’s not just the fact that you acquire speed, it’s how that speed is acquired that matters. Audi has skipped out on the double-clutch gearbox in favor of an eight-speed automatic (or Tiptronic, if you want to be perfectly pedantic about it) for this generation of S5, and while that may seem like a step backward, it’s actually a good thing. Unlike the double-clutch box, the auto is great at low speeds, shifting smoothly and without any of the harsh mechanical clunkiness that plagues double-clutches. What’s weird, though, is how this ‘box treats revs.
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I admit that there’s a certain excitement to the violence and precision of how double-clutch transmissions change gears, but this auto is much smoother. The tach needle dances in the dial, bouncing up and down in a way that kind of reminded me of a manual. Better yet, it’s smooth and predictable, in a way that lends the S5 a delicacy that requires you to participate in every inch of a corner.
The Verdict: 2018 Audi S5 Sportback Review
And that gets at the heart of what makes this car such a joy to drive. To paraphrase Captain Jack Sparrow, a car isn’t a transmission, or a steering rack, or an all-wheel-drive system, that’s what a car needs. A car is a relationship and what makes that relationship good or bad is how you and the car work together. Does the gas pedal do what you hope it will? Do you feel anything through your hips when the car rotates? Does the steering excite?
And the answer to all of these questions in the S5 is an emphatic yes. When you’re just driving around town, the S5 Sportback isn’t boring, and when you’re carving through a section of twisty back road you have to catch the revs and play with the throttle to get the most out of this car, but thanks to its clear communication, you feel empowered to do so. It feels playful. Dogs and cats both have the ability to hunt a rodent, but cats are disgusted with humans, whereas dogs want to play. The S5 is a terrier seeking your approval and thanks to its trunk and its back seats it also wants to do the tasks of a bigger dog, bringing you the Sunday paper and playing Frisbee.
Of all the cars that I’ve ever driven for this job, this is the one I regretted handing back the most. The whole way back to its home, I was thinking about fun places to go and thrilling ways to get there. It took hours longer than it should have because I just didn’t want to let go of the keys. And when I did, eventually hand it back, a hideous storm had broken out and the roads were inundated with blinding night rain. All of which made the contrasts between this and my own deadly “classic” (heavy use of air quotes) car, which I’d left with Audi for the week, the more pronounced.
I will never admit that anything drives more engagingly or hilariously than my own old car, but I would have gladly given up gobs of that engaging driving for a measure of modern safety. What made me even sadder was I knew I hadn’t given up gobs of driving engagement for the S5’s modern safety. Thinking back, I’m not sure I gave up any.
This article originally appeared on Fourtitude
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